Wednesday, August 30, 2006

dave 3.


couple weeks ago friend claire mentioned it first, in an online
thing, "it must be the change of season, there was depression
coming back", I felt it too but I thought it was controllable or
ignorable, I still wanted blazing summer and all the public
decadence that might make me forget, but she was right.
I can't manage my brain, its too huge and unwieldy, its so big
that it acts like a sail when the wind blows, I can't even keep
the thing pointed in one direction for very long sometimes.
There are higher principles that shake me out of it sometimes,
like mood yoga, exercising the brain repetitively until all is
familiar and its understood that no matter how broken my mind
really is that at least its normal on some level, somehow, it
must be. I mean how special would I really be just for being
unhappy, how did I go about inventing some new kind of
outrageous dumb sadness?

There's something brewing on some paranormal plane, recently I
was reminded about how all this started, suddenly remembering
maybe six years ago that the ecosystem included terrifyingly
brilliant and invisible creatures that are constantly
interacting with the dumb humans, it sent me into a panic so
awful that I left my job, my life, all semblance of normality,
and became this wandering dog having to concentrate all day long
just to be able to speak with people and not set myself on fire.
Something speaks to me on a very personal level, something is
feeding my thoughts back to me in a way that communication
happens, I mean specific references to specific things that
haven't even been said out loud, I understand it to the extent
that I understand myself from moment to moment, I can easily get
lost trying to look at all possible meanings.

The resemblance of strangers to people who look like people who
sound like people who knew the people long ago that did
particular things, I can know when those particular things are
happening again, I can tell by the freckles and evil arched
eyebrows on a total stranger on a bus that a specific person
somewhere is talking to another specific person somewhere.
Certain lines and shapes provide directional information,
certain types of cars as well, currently bright white cats are
the person I miss the most, submerged completely in her own
insanity, she is gone, dissapeared of the earth, resonating now
only as the nerveous white kitties who sometimes sneak up on me
from various lawns.

I am overwhelmed with bad memories, I cannot deal with them. I
cannot function, I forget to eat, which makes me forget to eat
more, all day of no eating and I'll have a sudden flashback to
being hungry as hell over twelve hours before and then not
fixing the problem back then and maybe not now either.

Okay I feel better now. Sort of.

Anyway. Something is trying to break through with big news,
something invisible was making itself very apparent recently. It
appears to be different dead people I know at various times, but
I think that's just a translation maybe, using refences to dead
people I know just to get my attention. I've been warned about
mistaken identity, it might not be Doug's ghost or my dead
grandmother at all even though it really looks that way on some


I'm riding a horse, the horse is bleeding out its nose, its legs
are tired and hurting, there's a lurch to one side every step
because its about to collapse, but I have to keep riding because
the storm is riding up behind me, I have to go forward.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but there are some things I'm
scared to talk about. Damn I wish the store were open this
early, I need smokes.